Strategic Silence

Americans may bristle at this Machiavelli notion of power dynamics. After all, we were taught to speak up, to market ourselves, to be seen, to be heard. Studies suggest Americans become noticeably uncomfortable after seven seconds of silence.

That discomfort, it turns out, can be a powerful tool. Silence, or at least mindful selective disclosure, holds unique psychological power in a world of noise. Say less. Observe more. Speak with purpose. Let others chase attention. You’re here to win. So it goes in the world of negotiation (short clip: Shut Up And Win).

Machiavelli five hundred years ago tapped into the danger of oversharing. Unguarded speech creates commitments and often reveals a thought process to be exploited. It ultimately erodes mystique and authority. One becomes . . . ordinary. Better to be feared than loved, he maintained.

Silence holds a profound and multifaceted meaning in other cultures e.g. the Japanese embrace the concept of haragei – “the art of the stomach” – which is a form of intuitive, non-verbal communication. The Flower Story is foundational Zen: the Buddha gathered his disciples for a sermon in which, without speaking, he simply held up a single flower. Ultimate wisdom or enlightenment, you see, cannot be conveyed through words or scriptures but is instead a direct, intuitive experience. One student simply smiled and this wordless transmission was complete.

Not so in excuse-me-for-talking-while-you’re-interrupting America. Or so it sometimes seems. Participate or observe interactions perhaps more accurately labeled as a dialogue of the deaf. Maybe it all stems from our grade school training to be the first one to raise your hand. Now that we’re all grown up, maybe it’s more advisable to follow Mark Twain’s advice that it’s better to keep one's mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

Well, that was harsh. There’s certainly a place for small talk in the broader world of relationships outside of hard boiled negotiations. Yet even here the tendency to overtalk may interfere with meaningful communication. We will be joined as lead participant club member and couple’s counselor Ted Barrett-Page to describe the power of active listening using the Safe Harbor Method to re-engage in healthy communication styles.

Please note the following RSVP Policy for Member Monday: RSVP sign-up opens up at 11:00am on Fridays via the City Club weekly Newsletter. Seats are first-come, first-served: the first 14 secure a spot at the table, the last 3 on the couch. Cancellations must be made 24 hours in advance or the standard Social Lunch rate applies.