Modern Dating

A broad decline in dating is being reported, especially among young adults in the U.S., with many dating only a few times or not at all in the past year. The pattern is said to be attributable to lower confidence, higher costs, and weaker social connection. Might there be something more?

Enter Rob Schuham’s MANSENSE, the title of a recently-published book, described as a modern field guide for men ready to bring depth, integrity, and presence back to dating. Among the testimonials is that of Anne V., Supermodel, Yogi, who gushes, “No gimmicks, no macho posturing – just real insights into how women think and what healthy connection actually looks like.” Spoiler alert: women are seeking the grounded man in a chaotic world (Chapter One heading, book available in club library).

So far, so good. Chivalry in the best sense of the word never goes out of style but changes with the times. The recurring themes applied here to the modern dating world: Clarity (knowing what you want and acting intentionally); Presence (showing up authentically rather than performatively); Emotional intelligence (understanding oneself and others); Grounded reflection (using self-awareness over impulse); Genuine connection (honest courtship over tactics). All certainly noble and necessary qualities, but are they sufficient?

Some say not. The ground has shifted when it comes to the mating dance. Maybe blame social media for a narrative that tilts the scale. Overt man-bashing, they say, has now refined itself into a certain atmospheric snideness that has settled down to a vague male aversion, as if masculinity itself were enveloped in a fine mist of shame. As such, per our focus piece No Wonder Men Are Dropping Out.

Men are voting with their feet, we are told, because they find dating no longer worth it. Why? Cue an eye-roll here with the rather mild observation that many women actually don’t like men very much, the more educated the higher the contempt. Now dial up the inflammatory rhetoric as we continue down the modern woman prospectus to include the assertion that (modern) women are essentially the most miserable, anxious, and insecure cohort in living memory. She (yes, the author is a woman) then asks what rational man reads this list and thinks: yes, that’s exactly what’s been missing from my life.

Ouch. Now just hold the outrage as the whole matter is put into a broader perspective through this two-minute clip that captures something about gender dynamics in It's Not About The Nail as the woman describes her pain and frustration while her partner keeps trying to fix the problem by pointing out the obvious solution. Now regard the nail as a metaphor for psychological projection. Some would say it’s not about the nail. Others maintain it’s all about the nail.

Let us discuss the dating issue as a matter of overcoming the presumptions of culturally-based projections which go in both directions. Where do they even come from? Shifting gender roles certainly play a part. The gallantry that once symbolised man’s protector status, for example, may now be dismissed as a kind of a patriarchal condescension, a remnant of the old order.

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